Trust and betrayal

 Researcher John Gottman says that trust is built in the smallest of moments. 
I thought for a long time that it was the opposite. you know, the grand gestures! 
But after looking into it and breaking it down I realized that he was right. 
Im gonna give you his own story as an example:
''Let me give you an example of that from my own relationship. One night, I really wanted to finish a mystery novel. I thought I knew who the killer was, but I was anxious to find out. At one point in the night, I put the novel on my bedside and walked into the bathroom.

As I passed the mirror, I saw my wife’s face in the reflection, and she looked sad, brushing her hair. There was a sliding door moment.

I had a choice. I could sneak out of the bathroom and think, “I don’t want to deal with her sadness tonight, I want to read my novel.” But instead I decided to go into the bathroom. I took the brush from her hair and asked, “What’s the matter, baby?” And she told me why she was sad.

Now, at that moment, I was building trust; I was there for her. I was connecting with her rather than choosing to think only about what I wanted. These are the moments, we’ve discovered, that build trust.''

This really touched me.
There's the opportunity to build trust, and there is the opportunity to betrayal. Because as small as the moments of trust can be, those are the moments of betrayal aswell. 
To chose to not connect when the opportunity is there, is a betrayal. 
But trust is a big word. Its really not just about who will keep your secret or their word. 
Brene Brown breaks it down very well, She says that when we trust, we are braving connection with someone else. So what are the parts of trust?
1. Boundaries. I trust you, if you are clear about your boundaries and you hold them. And if you are clear about my boundaries and you respect them. There is no trust without boundaries.
2. Reliability. I can only trust you if you do what you say you are going to do. And not just once but over and over. 
3. Accountability. I can only trust you if when you are making a mistake you are willing to own it, apologize for it and make a mends. I can only trust you if when I make a mistake, I am allowed to own it, apologize and make a mends. No accountability, no trust. 
4. The vault. What I share with you, you will hold in confidence and vice versa. But the other side of this is that you will also not gossip about other people with me. If you share what is not yours to share I will loose trust in you. We will only trust people if we can see that they acknowledge confidentiality. 
5. Integrity. I can not trust you and be in a trusting relationship with you if you don't act from a place of integrity. What's integrity? It's Choosing courage over comfort. Choosing what's right over what's fun fast and easy. And practicing your values not just professing them. 
6. Non judgement. I can fall apart, ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by you. And you can fall apart, ask for help and be in struggle without being judged by me. This is hard because we are better at helping than ask for help. We think that we have set up trusting relationships with people cause we are always there to help them, but if you can't ask for help or support and they cannot reciprocate that, that is not a trusting relationship. Why? casue if I think less of myself for asking for help, I will think less of you too. Weither we are conscious of it or not. 
7. Honesty. I can only trust you, if you can be honest about what you really think and feel. And not keep it to yourself to later throw it in my face. To me that is betrayal. I am not a mindreader and you cannot expect me to guess what's wrong. To be passive agressive towards someone and  punish them with silence or other behaviour will make us lose trust. 
What understanding trust gives us is words to say ''Here is my struggle.'' Cause how can we talk about trust if we cant break it down? 
We have to start with self trust. If you struggle with trust examine yourself first, how do you treat yourself? Did I hold my own boundaries? Did I hold myself accountable? Was I honest with myself? and so on. 
Cause we can't ask people to give us something that we don't have. 
''Beware of the naked man offering you a shirt'' - Maya Angelou

The way back to myself

Truth to be told I often feel lost. Who am I? What the hell am I doing with my life? What do I want? 
Just writing this is very vulnerable to me becasue most people wouldnt admit that they feel this way. But see im trying this new thing to be brave for real cause im tired of being afraid. 
I reflect on these questions a lot, I go over it in my mind and I try to come up with the most accurate answer. Even when I have found something that makes sense to me in a logic way it still wasnt the answer I was looking for. Why?
Cause truth needs to be felt. Tony Robbins says that, ''the mind over analyze and the heart has the answer.'' 
Your feelings will tell you more about who you are than your mind ever could. 
I have come to learn that if you feel lost, the way back to yourself is anything you can do, say and think that feels authentic to you. And Its the curage to be HONEST about all of it. 
Believe me that's not easy, its scary and I struggle with this. If you put your true feelings, values and opinions out there you risk being judged and you risk rejection. (But only from the wrong people.) 
Fitting in is NOT belonging. 
So everything that isnt you has to go. No more adapting. No more people pleasing, no more being quite when you dont agree, no more not standing up for yourself when someone treats you wrong, no more pretending. And most importantly: communicate! communicate you thoughts, feelings, and needs to other people. Cause not only will you be true to them, but you will be true to yourself. Honesty = authenticity.
Find the curage to be yourself and you will never be lost again. 

Here's what I've learned about mental breakdowns

I have had so many that they barely shake me anymore! I have literally been an emotional wreck on the floor more times than I can count, especially during my anxiety period. Breakdowns over fear, breakdowns over my depression, over love, over criticising myself too hard and over loneliness. 
Man, I felt sorry for myself. Every time I thought:
- Okey, NOW It can't get any worse! As I sobbed hysterically.
We have all been there right? (please tell me Im not alone haha). So why doesn't it bother me anymore? Did I in fact gain something from it?
Indeed. I got clarity, I got a higher awareness, I got a broader perspective and it brought me closer to my heart. Often what we think is a punishment is the exact oposite, Its a blessing. Because what exists in the other end of a breakdown? Relief and authenticity.
Its like a damn cleanse! Never have I ever felt so pure as I do after a breakdown.
I don't call them breakdowns anymore I call them spiritual awakenings. Honestly, Isnt it more of a breakthrough than a breakdown?
''Im falling apart and it feels fantastic!'' 
Thats my new motto when it happens. 
To illustrate my point, I used to feel like this: 
 Now its more this:
Got it?